cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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