fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
