It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
