Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
