There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
