shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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