Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
