Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My feet surprised me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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