i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
