the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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