My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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