He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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