Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
