I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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