so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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