You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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