Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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