I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
