I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
