i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
