FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
