sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
