I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
pop tarts are not kleenex
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
