two words...techno handjob
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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