I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
