Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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