i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize