The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
