last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
