"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
