so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
In other news, I just burned my penis
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
