well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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