There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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