mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
