I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
All I want is dick and wine.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
