Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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