Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Even my vagina gasped.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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