My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
