I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Randomize
