hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
