we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
