who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
