she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
