Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
