K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
