remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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