I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
