I puked a lego.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
