Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
