I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
