just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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