I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
