The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize