dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
