I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
