i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
