Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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