Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
