so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
