Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
