He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
