is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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