I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
