Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
