I feel great
I just peed on a car
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
