you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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