boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
