I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
